Individual and Marriage Counselor - Blogs

The power of vulnerability

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 07:23:54 -0800

This information strikes at the root of every issue. I love this message!

Making the Transition to"Happily Ever After"

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 11:17:35 -0800

I recently ran across an interesting statement falling in love is something that happens to you, lasting love is something you create. Wow, is that ever true. Our failure to grasp that concept seems to be at the root of many break-ups. Isn't that initial feeling blissful! Who wouldn't want to feel that all the time? But the reality is, we can't. Our emotions, just like everything else in life, have a natural ebb and flow.
When our feelings of love start to ebb, we start to doubt if we have discovered "true love." We look for a cause and we start assigning blame. "There are some things that you do that really get on my nerves." "I'm not feeling close to you anymore because you don't treat me the way you use to"...etc. A negative mindset kicks in and here we go. What use to be easily overlooked now becomes a blaring neon sign.
Maybe there is some wisdom in cultures that believe commitment comes first, love comes later. The emphasis is placed on the effort rather than the feelings. I can control my effort but it's much harder to control my feelings.
Researchers have discovered that the key to a healthy stable relationship seems to be based on the strength of the friendship. We know that friendships require effort (i.e. nurture and cultivation.) Why do we assume "love" is different? Maybe it's all those fairy tales and romance novels. Love sweeps us off our feet and carries us all the way to "til death do us part." NOT!
If you are feeling stuck in a negative loop that you can't seem to break, maybe it's time to ask for help. But then again maybe your relationship just needs a little TLC.

Marriage...A Tough Balancing Act

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:11:09 -0800

“Turn the other cheek”…When you’re walking day by day in a marriage relationship where does that fit in? My father always told me “it takes two to argue.” I got this message from all sides. One of my life commandments became… do whatever it takes to get along. So, what about accountability and balance? Surely there’s got to be some, or else I noticed that life gets really out of whack.

For example, Brad Paisley has a really funny song about celebrities behaving badly. It seems that when we are surrounded only by people agreeing with us and telling us what we want to hear our egos run amuck and we lose sight of appropriate boundaries.

Marriage is rarely a place where one partner treats the other like a celebrity, but I have noticed that sometimes the balance of accountability and appropriate boundaries gets a little lopsided. This is especially true in relationships with a dominate personality and a passive personality; as they say, opposites attract. In the beginning it seems to work out great, but over time…not so much!
The dominate personality usually knows what they want and isn’t afraid to let it be known. The passive personality tends to be flexible and doesn’t mind going along. The dominate personality has a strong opinion about most every subject and the passive personality can concede several reasonable sides to most situations. It may seem like a good fit at first, there is little arguing, but over time the balance of the relationship becomes lopsided and mutual respect is lost.
The truth is that the most stable relationships are those in which there is an equal ability to influence one another. This often does not happen automatically when marriage partners are by nature on opposite ends of the personality spectrum. It requires a little extra effort by both individuals. The more passive person should not always “turn the other cheek” or refuse to “argue” their point. Passive Personality must learn to say “that may be true but … this time let’s have it my way” and Dominant Personality must learn to say “I see your perspective and I love you so much that we’ll do it your way this time.”
Would you like for that to be happening more often in your relationship? It's usually easier said than done. Obviously it works best if the relationship starts out that way and a good balance is maintained over time. Often, however, this is not the case. If making this adjustment in your relationship has become overhwelming, maybe it's time to consult a professional. All of us are clamoring to get our needs met, to feel loved and valued. Sometimes so much so that we lose sight of the fact that what we are doing isn’t working. When that happens we must be willing to take a step back, rethink, mend old hurts, and take a new approach. It’s all about staying in balance.