- Home
- Contact Information
- Fees
- Office Location
- About Me
- The Counseling Relationship
- What to Expect
- Assessing Marital Conflict
- Books I Recommend
- Blogs
- Premarital Counseling
Assessing Marital Conflicts Questionnaire
By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
Choose whether you believe each statement is mostly true or false, then check all that apply
1. We are becoming emotionally distant. T F
___ We have difficulty just simply talking to each other
___ We are staying emotionally in touch with each other less
___ I feel taken for granted
___ I feel my spouse doesn’t know me right now
___ My spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged
___ We spend less time together.
2. There is spillover of non-marital stresses (such as job tension) into our marriage. T F
___ We don’t always help each other reduce daily stresses
___ We don’t talk about these stresses together
___ We don’t talk together about stress in a helpful manner
___ My spouse doesn’t listen with understanding about my stresses and worries
___ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on me
___ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others
3. Our marriage is becoming nonromantic and passionless; the fire is dying. T F
___ My spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate
___ My spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently
___ We rarely touch each other
___ My spouse (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic
___ We rarely cuddle
___ We have few tender or passionate moments
4. We are having problems in our sex life. T F
___ Sex is less frequent
___ I (or my spouse) get less satisfaction from sex
___ We have problems talking about sexual problems
___ Each of us wants different things sexually
___ Desire is less than it once was
___ Our lovemaking feels less loving
5. Our marriage is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness, or death of a loved one). T F
___ This event has led my partner to be very distant
___ This event has made us both irritable
___ This event has led to a lot of fighting
___ I’m worried about how this will all turn out
___ We are now taking very different positions
6. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue about children. (This category includes whether to have a child). T F
___ We have very different goals for our children
___ We differ on what to discipline children for
___ We differ on how to discipline our children
___ We are not talking about these problems well
___ There is much tension and anger about these differences
7. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue or event concerning in-laws or another relative(s). T F
___ I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family
___ I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in
___ I feel unaccepted by my own family
___ There is tension between us about what might happen
___ This issue has generated a lot of irritability
___ I worry about how this will turn out
8. One of us is flirtatious outside the marriage, or may have had a recent affair, and/or there is jealousy. T F
___ This area is the source of a lot of hurt
___ This is an area that creates insecurity
___ I can’t deal with the lies
___ It is hard to reestablish trust
___ There is a feeling of betrayal
___ It’s hard to know how to heal over this
9. Unpleasant fights have occurred between us. T F
___ There are more fights now
___ Fights seem to come out of nowhere
___ Anger and irritability have crept into our marriage
___ We get into muddles where we are hurting each other
___ I don’t feel very respected lately
___ I feel criticized
10. We have differences in our basic goals and values or desired lifestyle. T F
___ Differences have arisen in life goals
___ Differences have arisen about important beliefs
___ Differences have arisen on leisure time interests
___ We seem to want different things out of life
___ We are growing in different directions
___ I don’t much like who I am with my partner
11. Very disturbing events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within our marriage. T F
___ There has been physical violence between us.
___ There is a problem with alcohol or drugs.
___ This is turning into a marriage I hadn’t bargained for.
___ Our marriage “contract” is changing.
___ I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive.
___ I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage.
12. We are not working well as a team. T F
___ We used to share more of the family’s workload.
___ We seem to be pulling in opposite directions.
___ My spouse does not fairly share in housework or child care.
___ I feel alone managing this family.
___ My spouse is not being very considerate.
13. We are having trouble sharing power and influence. T F
___ I don’t feel influential in decisions we make.
___ My spouse has become more domineering.
___ I have become more demanding.
___ My spouse is “spacey,” not a strong force in our marriage.
___ My spouse has become passive.
___ I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things.
14. We are having trouble handling financial issues well. T F
___ One of us doesn’t bring in enough money.
___ We have differences about how to spend money.
___ We are stressed about finances.
___ My spouse is financially more interested in self than in us.
___ We are not united in managing our finances.
___ There is not enough financial planning.
15. We are not having much fun together these days. T F
___ We don’t seem to have much time for fun.
___ We try but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very much.
___ We are too stressed for fun.
___ Work takes up all our time these days.
___ Our interests are so different, there are no fun things we like to do together.
___ We plan fun things to do, but they never happen.
16. We are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days. T F
___ We do not share the same beliefs.
___ We do not agree about religious ideas and values.
___ We differ about the specific church, mosque, or synagogue.
___ We do not communicate well about spiritual issues.
___ We have issues about spiritual growth and change.
___ We have spiritual issues involving family or children.
17. We are having conflict(s) about being a part of and building community together. T F
___ We feel differently about being involved with friends and other people or groups.
___ We don’t care to the same degree about the institutions that build community.
___ We have different opinions about putting time into the institutions of community (political party, school, hospital, church, mosque, synagogue, agencies, and the like.)
___ We disagree about doing projects or working for charity.
___ We disagree about doing other good deeds for others.
___ we have different views about whether to take a leadership role in the service or our community.
The above information was included to help you identify areas that may be a problem in your marriage. These issues have been successfully addressed by many clients. Please call today for an appointment.
.
By John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
Choose whether you believe each statement is mostly true or false, then check all that apply
1. We are becoming emotionally distant. T F
___ We have difficulty just simply talking to each other
___ We are staying emotionally in touch with each other less
___ I feel taken for granted
___ I feel my spouse doesn’t know me right now
___ My spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged
___ We spend less time together.
2. There is spillover of non-marital stresses (such as job tension) into our marriage. T F
___ We don’t always help each other reduce daily stresses
___ We don’t talk about these stresses together
___ We don’t talk together about stress in a helpful manner
___ My spouse doesn’t listen with understanding about my stresses and worries
___ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on me
___ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others
3. Our marriage is becoming nonromantic and passionless; the fire is dying. T F
___ My spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate
___ My spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently
___ We rarely touch each other
___ My spouse (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic
___ We rarely cuddle
___ We have few tender or passionate moments
4. We are having problems in our sex life. T F
___ Sex is less frequent
___ I (or my spouse) get less satisfaction from sex
___ We have problems talking about sexual problems
___ Each of us wants different things sexually
___ Desire is less than it once was
___ Our lovemaking feels less loving
5. Our marriage is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness, or death of a loved one). T F
___ This event has led my partner to be very distant
___ This event has made us both irritable
___ This event has led to a lot of fighting
___ I’m worried about how this will all turn out
___ We are now taking very different positions
6. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue about children. (This category includes whether to have a child). T F
___ We have very different goals for our children
___ We differ on what to discipline children for
___ We differ on how to discipline our children
___ We are not talking about these problems well
___ There is much tension and anger about these differences
7. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue or event concerning in-laws or another relative(s). T F
___ I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family
___ I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in
___ I feel unaccepted by my own family
___ There is tension between us about what might happen
___ This issue has generated a lot of irritability
___ I worry about how this will turn out
8. One of us is flirtatious outside the marriage, or may have had a recent affair, and/or there is jealousy. T F
___ This area is the source of a lot of hurt
___ This is an area that creates insecurity
___ I can’t deal with the lies
___ It is hard to reestablish trust
___ There is a feeling of betrayal
___ It’s hard to know how to heal over this
9. Unpleasant fights have occurred between us. T F
___ There are more fights now
___ Fights seem to come out of nowhere
___ Anger and irritability have crept into our marriage
___ We get into muddles where we are hurting each other
___ I don’t feel very respected lately
___ I feel criticized
10. We have differences in our basic goals and values or desired lifestyle. T F
___ Differences have arisen in life goals
___ Differences have arisen about important beliefs
___ Differences have arisen on leisure time interests
___ We seem to want different things out of life
___ We are growing in different directions
___ I don’t much like who I am with my partner
11. Very disturbing events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within our marriage. T F
___ There has been physical violence between us.
___ There is a problem with alcohol or drugs.
___ This is turning into a marriage I hadn’t bargained for.
___ Our marriage “contract” is changing.
___ I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive.
___ I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage.
12. We are not working well as a team. T F
___ We used to share more of the family’s workload.
___ We seem to be pulling in opposite directions.
___ My spouse does not fairly share in housework or child care.
___ I feel alone managing this family.
___ My spouse is not being very considerate.
13. We are having trouble sharing power and influence. T F
___ I don’t feel influential in decisions we make.
___ My spouse has become more domineering.
___ I have become more demanding.
___ My spouse is “spacey,” not a strong force in our marriage.
___ My spouse has become passive.
___ I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things.
14. We are having trouble handling financial issues well. T F
___ One of us doesn’t bring in enough money.
___ We have differences about how to spend money.
___ We are stressed about finances.
___ My spouse is financially more interested in self than in us.
___ We are not united in managing our finances.
___ There is not enough financial planning.
15. We are not having much fun together these days. T F
___ We don’t seem to have much time for fun.
___ We try but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very much.
___ We are too stressed for fun.
___ Work takes up all our time these days.
___ Our interests are so different, there are no fun things we like to do together.
___ We plan fun things to do, but they never happen.
16. We are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days. T F
___ We do not share the same beliefs.
___ We do not agree about religious ideas and values.
___ We differ about the specific church, mosque, or synagogue.
___ We do not communicate well about spiritual issues.
___ We have issues about spiritual growth and change.
___ We have spiritual issues involving family or children.
17. We are having conflict(s) about being a part of and building community together. T F
___ We feel differently about being involved with friends and other people or groups.
___ We don’t care to the same degree about the institutions that build community.
___ We have different opinions about putting time into the institutions of community (political party, school, hospital, church, mosque, synagogue, agencies, and the like.)
___ We disagree about doing projects or working for charity.
___ We disagree about doing other good deeds for others.
___ we have different views about whether to take a leadership role in the service or our community.
The above information was included to help you identify areas that may be a problem in your marriage. These issues have been successfully addressed by many clients. Please call today for an appointment.
.
Connie Erwin, MA, LPC-MHSP 6074 East Brainerd Road Chattanooga, TN 37421 423-827-7872 connieerwin@gmail.com
Marriage and Individual Counselor, 6074 East Brainerd Rd, Chattanooga, TN 37421